One miscarriage and 2+ years later and no baby. Every other idiot with no job and no partner can have 1 or 2 or 10 kids. But, me? Zero.
I search for answers in medicine, in God, in my heart. I find no answers in any of these.
More thoughts to come. Please share your own.
I have to say, you are a brave one putting your story out here in blog land. Mike and I were on the verge of giving up when we moved to PA (we were married for 4 years) and then boom! It happened! You know, as I look back on the heart ache and desire, I realized that GOD had a plan and his timing was perfect! I will add you to my prayer list. I miss you! I had so much fun working with you at Prairie Springs! We'll have to get together when we come down (or at least we're trying to plan on it) sometime this November.
ReplyDeleteI would love to share my whole story with you sometime Amy....I can truly say I have been there and I have rarely shared a lot of this with anyone outside my immediate, small circle of family and friends. Just reading about someone going through this makes my heart hurt because it reminds me of how lonely, frustrating and insanely unfare it all feels. Sean and I have struggled with infertility for 10 years. We've tried EVERYTHING. Just in the last 3 1/2 years I've have 6 surgeries, 5 artificial inseminations, 3 IVF Cycles, over 300+ injections of 12+ crazy medications and over 100 trips to Seattle for treatment. I was blessed to get pregnant a year ago but had an unexplained miscarriage at 4 months. Devestating!! I just want you to know that you are not alone. We looked into adoption soooo many times, I believe in adoption but honestly could never understand why everyone could do something that seems so natural and I was being left behind. I had no choice in the matter. It made me angry. I can honestly say that infertility has changed me. I am not the person I thought I would be at 36 years old. It's caused a lot of hurt and anger. It's made me feel very alone. I've lost friends because it hurts them to see me struggle, they feel guilty or some don't understand why it matters so much. I've socially disconnected because it hurts to feel so different ( and the fertility drugs don't help). Soooo many different emotions, ones you can't explain to people that have children. So, here's the part I almost hesitate to share...not because it's not amazing but because I know that (because I've been there) it's just another example of where you aren't YET and don't know if you'll ever be BUT I am 7 months pregnant right now. It's been a really long road Amy! I still have a hard time believing it every day and I won't feel safe until she is in my arms. I just want to share with you that it is possible. I think of her as a miracle!!! I know I will be an amazing mom because of my journey. I know that it's possible! It's okay to feel crazy about what you're going through, it's okay to feel alone but you're neither. I LOVE that you're sharing, being open and honest about your quest and I will keep you in my prayers the way so many did for us. When you do get pregnant you'll be in a special group...you will not take any of it for granted, you will be a more amazing person, mother for all your struggles.
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ReplyDeleteI can't put into words how touched I am by your story. Women like you are the very reason I started putting my thoughts out into the world. You are amazing and strong and I am so very happy for you and your family.
Amy, this I know for sure... you WILL be an amazing mother. At 29 and no husband, no children, I too find a great void in the heart where children and love should be. Commit to knowing that it will happen for you no matter the struggle. My love to you :)
ReplyDeleteI remember when I first started hanging out with Tonja, Lisa, and Hope. They all had these amazing and beautiful children. Going to the birthday parties, Easter egg hunts, and Halloween trick or treating just hurt my heart so bad. There was a time I was taking pregancy test every month because I felt morning sickness. But after 4yrs of marriage I decided to see a doctor... They said it would be very difficult to get pregnant cause I had PCOS. They talked drugs and I decide to have Ward checked before I began anything. Turned out he couldn't father a child. So at one point we were ready to give up but then decided on Adoption. You can look at Noah and see Ward. Funny hu. If you ever just want to talk I understand how you feel.Oh how I wanted to carry a child. But God and prayer do work...time sometimes is the only answer. I have had people tell me how I must have had the easiest labor but they have no idea how long I waited for a child and there are days I worry Noah won't fully understand his birth. But even his bio Mom says he is a silver lining on a cloudy day. I agree with Angie when you have more test, God does grant us blessing that we don't take for granted.
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